A couple of days ago, I cashed in on one of my fantasies: to spend some uninterrupted hours alone while James is awake. It sounds kind of simple, but believe me, it’s a big deal.
First, I took a very very long walk on the beach. Then I ate lunch and read my book. I packed up my laptop, my book, a towel and wrote these words at this deserted tourquoise pool, ringed with palm trees, overlooking a fishing pier and the bright blue harbour. A little green lizard strolled out of a bush in front of me and I could hear the waves.
Later, I took a long walk with an old friend, also a new momma. Every year, we take this walk and catch up. It’s crazy to think about how many years it covers now – boyfriends and jobs have come and gone. Our wedding days. And now we have two little boys – just three months apart.
Now we are back. It felt so good to wake up next to Dan today.
Though I’m going to miss my mom and dad’s faces popping out of their bedroom in the morning and James’s big hello smile to them. I’ll miss being able to take a shower whenever I want, brush my teeth before 11 a.m. and other hands to help with laundry and cooking. (Ok, I’ve been living in a bit of a dreamworld.)
But it was time to come home. We missed Dan terribly. And I have to say the frosty nip in the air this morning felt welcome (remind me that I said this when it’s snowing in April) – as much as I complain about the cold, I actually sort of love it. There’s something so familiar and cozy about snuggling in.
These weeks I’ve been thinking about how seeing my parents with James and mothering James are the closest I’ll ever come to experiencing my own babyhood. Their songs, their faces, their pure bliss in being with James.
I guess you realize how lucky you are if you were loved. If you are loved.
Because you see that love is the real food. Of course James needs to eat and sleep and poop, but what he really needs is love. It nourishes him in the most vital way.
Love is truest life blood.
At dinner the other night, my dad said, “The time you are in right now – there is nothing better.”
All day I had been thinking about that – how I am acutely aware that I’m inhabiting and living a time that I will long for. It has the magic sparkle of a beginning.