After so long away I don’t know where to start, so here are a few things:
- Inertia’s a bitch. When you’re in the groove, it’s all flowing. But when you stop, it’s hell getting started again.
- Also, when you haven’t written in a while you start to hate every word that hits the page.
- Work is busy. And being a working mom is busy. The days fly by in a blur. When we get home it’s a flash – eat dinner, play, bedtime-and then James is asleep. Sometimes I don’t know what to make of this pace.
- The other day he woke up sort of fussy and I wrapped him up in my arms in bed and he lay there clutching his blanket and sucking his thumb with his eyes closed for about 20 minutes. He hadn’t slept on me like that since he was probably four or five months old. It was like a narcotic.
- Have you listened to The Accidental Gay Parents Parts 1, 2, 3 and 4 on The Longest Shortest Time? It’s amazing and you need to. Please do it right now. (This podcast I am loving so much right now).
- My desk is very cluttered. We are endlessly trying to keep our house clean and it feels impossible sometimes. I have to take deep breaths.
- In fact, I have moments when I bring up the laundry, see dishes on the kitchen counter, pans that need washing, James’s food not yet cleaned up on the high chair, toys on the floor, paper on the desk and I almost lose it. One thing at a time, I tell myself. It will get done.
- We’ve gotten into the habit of driving to the mountains on the weekends. Just for a day. James sleeps on the way there and we do a little hike or a picnic and just take it in. Whenever we are driving in we sigh at the beauty. We’re so lucky we say. So very lucky. It still feels insanely exotic to be in these giant mountains for a few hours on any given week. Here we are at Goat Pond with Erica, Matt and Lucy:
- A colleague commented on my ‘perfect Instagram life’ and my heart fell. I’m guilty like everyone, posting when we’re somewhere beautiful. Where life looks pretty. (hey look: I’m doing it here in this blog post!) I felt ashamed. Things are not perfect. And I’d 10,000 times rather be honest than perfect.
- In fact, I’ve been in a bit of a slump. I’m trying to dig into work; to navigate this crazy busy-ness and maybe I’m not doing the best job. I feel lost.
- Sometimes I wish someone would hold my hand and show me the path. Do this, they would say. And now this. I’ll sit here until you finish. Now you are ready for the next thing. I keep having to remind myself that that person is not coming for me. That I have to pull myself into the future.
- I pitched a story to Rebecca Egbert, creator of Little Mother’s Helper. I was drawn to this project and to Rebecca from the moment someone sent me her kickstarter campaign. The cards cover post-partum body, soul, heart and mind. They are both honest and comforting. They answer so many questions to the things I would madly google in the early days. And Rebecca’s newsletter and Instagram account are big heart-ed. Plus she was from Minnesota – and so. She’s obviously awesome. I pitched her a story for her blog. She opened up her arms to me. After so little writing, I was nervous that I couldn’t pull it off. I’m still nervous about what I sent her. It felt a little raw.
- After she accepted the piece by saying “I love you- I love this” she wrote: Now it’s my turn to give back to you. What else can I do for you, to help you? I was so taken aback that I didn’t know what to say. I mean: it’s not often that a near stranger asks you that question.
- Maybe I should stop dwelling on my own life and start asking more people what I can do for them. To help them. To give back.
- The post went up on Monday. My 35th birthday. I’m 35.
- I’m still not very happy with this post which I’ve been fiddling with for too many days now. But maybe that is what this year is about. Nothing at all being quite as you want or imagine it to be. But going with it anyway.
I love you guys. xo Sky